Everything

Best Conspiracy Theories of 2009

Posted on December 26, 2009 by Paul in Everything, Year End Reviews | Leave a comment

want-to-believe

Toronto – I’ve long been a fan of conspiracy theories, both the plausible ones and the totally whacked out ones, in fact the more whacked out ones are the best.  With the spread of the internet as a means of disseminating information, these theories have grown in popularity.  With that in mind, I’d like to go over some of the ones that made the most headlines (or didn’t make the headlines, ‘cause y’know … “they” control what we see … and by “they,” I mean the evil lizard visitors from that TV show V)  So pop in the new Muse album or the new Megadeth, shut your blinds, put your tinfoil hat on and enjoy.

1.  Those crazy-ass lights over Norway

So somebody took a picture of these crazy spiral lights that appeared over Norway.  They’re kind of pretty actually, but nobody has a clue what the hell they are.  Some theories:  obviously aliens are the easiest answer, followed by the Russians (seriously, somebody blamed it on Russians testing … something, weapons or whatever.  Look it up). Next there is the possibility that it was the time tunnel or perhaps some other kind of weird science experiment , but the best theory is this – maybe the best thing I’ve read in a long time, probably because it incorporates theories from awesome TV shows like Fringe and V and Flashforward.

 2.  The H1N1 vaccine is gonna kill you!

Ok, so here’s the basic premise of this theory: the evil overlords in charge of all stuff everywhere think there are too many of us.  Therefore they want to wipe us out but in a way that’s not so noticeable as to be seen as a crazy massacre.  ‘Cause we’d kind of notice that happening.  Hence the vaccines.  And if it doesn’t kill you, it’s at the very least gonna make you walk backwards or something.

 3.  Obama is actually evil … and he’s gonna kill you!

The basic premise here is that Barack Obama’s just a puppet for our evil overlords (ie. he’s actually Gaius Baltar) and that everything he does is done for the explicit purpose of destroying America.  Oh, and he wasn’t born in the U.S.  And his name’s not actually Obama.  My take on it:  Obama’s probably not actually evil … but he’s still a politician and therefore probably shouldn’t totally be trusted.  Actually, nobody should be trusted.  Not even me.  Not even your mom.  Not even you!

 4.  Climate Change is Hooey

OK, so this one’s not really new at all, but has gained a lot of prominence with the whole Copenhagen thing going on plus Climategate.  Basically, climate change deniers will tell you that global warming stopped years ago and that the world’s actually cooling a bit (I imagine that’s why the people in the know changed the name to climate change – it encapsulates both warming and cooling) This is of special interest to Canadians since our Prime Minister has come out of Copenhagen as the rebel bad boy who’s not really doing all that he can to deal with climate change (or anything at all really).  Is Harper a closeted climate change denier?  Or is he just in the back pocket of oil companies?  And what does the sinister Daniel Plainview have to do with all of this?  Stay tuned for the answer, faithful readers … and for goodness sake, keep an eye on your milkshakes.

5.  Balloon Boy’s dad is actually right

We all heard the story of balloon boy Falcon Heene.  We all know it was a hoax perpetrated by his crazy, fame hungry, conspiracy happy dad, Richard.  What you may not have heard if you weren’t paying that much attention (and kudos to you if you weren’t, you obviously have some semblance of a life, unlike me) is that Richard Heene believes in the idea that our evil overlords are actually part of a secret cabal of evil lizard people secretly posing as posh humans in order to keep us under control.  Again, this is not a new theory, but Heene brought it up again.  This theory was first revealed by former British footballer David Icke, who postulated that important people such as Queen Elizabeth, George Bush, Hillary Clinton – and for some strange reason, Boxcar Willie –  are all secret reptilians who are out to get us.  This is why I can never fully get behind this theory.  Boxcar Willie only brings the good times, he loves humanity.  He would never want to enslave us.  Seriously, watch this video and try and tell me that Willie wishes us any harm.  You can’t.  Because he’s Boxcar Willie.  And he’s awesome.

 6.  Tiger Woods Y’all

Tiger and about 15 other women were able to keep his wife (and perhaps each other) in the dark about his various affairs.  If that’s not the textbook definition of conspiracy, I don’t know what is.  Tigergate,  people. Tigergate.

And of course, the true conspiracy buffs will tell you that Tigergate is just a distraction from the real story …

 7.  Soilent Green is real!  It’s real!!!

I’ve decided to start this theory all by myself.  Some scientists recently genetically engineered some freaky kind of pseudo-pork that’s sort of cloned from pig cells.  So we get something that approximates meat that can be made without killing animals.  It could be used to help feed the world and stuff and can also help reduce animal flatulence emissions, which are apparently bad for the environment.  But here’s the thing – this “meat” sounds really gross.  Like worse that Taco Bell gross (mmm … Taco Bell)  Who’s to say what they’ll be putting in there.  Maybe even people?

 8.  Adolf Hitler was secretly a lady!

At least that’s how I interpreted this article …

 9.  My apartment is totally haunted

Ok , this one is only relevant to me, but still, I’m pretty sure it’s true.  Or maybe I just got freaked out after watching Paranormal Activity.  Either way, I’m just about ready to get one of those EMF readers to scan the apartment with.

 10.  Archie Comics Is Owned By Mormons!

This is a total lie.  Or maybe it’s not.  Ok, yes … yes it is a lie.  But think about it … one of the biggest entertainment news items of the past year was that Archie married Veronica.  Then in a later story, he married Betty.  Archie is a bigamist!  And you know he’d be going after Midge too if Big Moose weren’t around to kick his ass.  There you have it, Archie Comics may or may not endorse bigamy.  You heard it here first.

 Keep watching the skies …

2009: Jupiter and Beyond! (aka Paul’s faves)

Posted on December 19, 2009 by Paul in Everything, Year End Reviews | Leave a comment

norway-spiral

Toronto – So 2009 was kind of a weird year for me.  While a lot of great music came out this year, it was also the year I became more apathetic about music for some reason.  It’s because of this that I actually had a bit of a hard time remembering what I heard and actually liked this year.  That said, here’s the stuff I liked the most this year, organized in the most arbitrary and illogical manner possible.

 SONGS:

Grizzly Bear featuring Michael McDonald – “While You Wait For The Others”

 Veckatimest as a whole was a really great album that I dug a whole lot, but it was this version, released as a single, that really blew me away.  Grizzly Bear’s tune is made even more sublime with the addition of the king of smooth and yacht rock legend McDonald on vocals.  Maybe you think the original version with Ed Droste singing lead is the better song.  That’s what a fool believes, my friends … that’s what a fool believes.

 The Dirty Projectors – “Stillness Is The Move”

 One of the catchiest songs I heard all year, the folks at Breakfast At Sulimay’s describe it best.  Probably totally inaccurate, but it’s the best review I’ve seen.  Also, it’s fun to say singer Angel Deradoorian’s name out loud.

Franz Nicolay – “Jeff Penalty”

The Hold Steady keyboardist (and king of moustaches) tells us the story of Jello Biafra’s replacement in The Dead Kennedys, who depite just being “that one guy from Philly” or “Jeff Whatsisname”  manages to get the punks singing along anyways.  It’s a song about the power of songs and the underdog getting his moment to shine. 

 ALBUMS:

Jason Lytle – Yours Truly, The Commuter

Despite having really dodgy and questionable cover artwork, this is a really solid album. I’ve been a big fan of Lytle’s ever since the release of Grandaddy’s The Sophtware Slump … which I still can’t believe came out in 2000.  Man, I’m getting old.  Anyways, Lytle doesn’t break any real new ground here, sticking to his familiar bag of tricks (Neil Young-ian vocals, ELO-ish synths, lyrics about enjoying the weekend) but it works.  It’s more or less a Grandaddy album released under his own name, but I’m OK with that.

Converge – Axe To Fall

 Back in my younger days, I used to listen to lot of metal and hardcore.  I don’t listen to nearly as much as I used to, but I occasionally like the heavy stuff still, and hardcore legends Converge certainly bring the heavy on this, their seventh full length album.  A blend of blistering riffs (probably the catchiest Kurt Ballou has ever written), slower, sludgier tunes, the slow burning Tom Waits homage “Cruel Bloom,” and more guest musicians than you can shake a stick at (including members of Cave In, Neurosis and Genghis Tron), this is Converge’s most accessible album (relatively speaking … ’cause, y’know, it’s still full of screaming and really heavy guitars) and definitely one of their best.  Also, unlike Jason Lytle, Converge always has excellent album covers.

 Pink Mountaintops – Outside Love

The softer yin to Black Mountain’s heavy yang, Stephen McBean’s Pink Mountaintops project kick out the hazy psych/shoegaze/folk/pop jams.  On “Axis: Thrones of Love,” they swipe the Bee Gees line, “how deep is your love” and recontextualize it, making it seem a bit more like a challenge than a question. 

 Steve Earle – Townes

One of the best songwriters around pays tribute to his late friend and mentor Townes Van Zant and ends up making one of his best records.

 Joel Plaskett – Three

Another great songwriter, Plaskett was shortlisted for the Polaris prize this year but lost out to the more au courant (yet also really good) Fucked Up.  I think part of why he got passed over is because Plaskett has been consistently good over his last several albums.  But his new triple (!) album is excellent, full of his usual clever, rootsy songs.  He even incorporates some Celtic influence, which actually works well here.  I guess growing up on the east coast, all those flutes and stuff are part of your DNA or something.

Art Brut – Art Brut vs. Satan

Eddie Argos is a brilliant songwriter.  There, I’ve said it.  Like a British version of Craig Finn, Argos talks his way through his songs, filling in all sorts of details that I can really relate to – DC Comics And Chocolate Milkshake could have been written about me.  Alcoholics Unanimous not so much about me (at least I hope not), but I think many of us have been in the state Argos describes there too (“I’ve been up all night/I’ve been making mistakes/I’m hiding it well/But I don’t feel great”)

The Thermals – Now We Can See

Hutch Harris and his bandmates have brought another collection of brilliant, punky power pop.  While not quite as good as The Body, The Blood, The Machine, Now We Can See is full of instantly catchy tunes (try not to sing along with the “oh way oh ohs” in the title track)  Plus they always look like they’re having a lot of fun in their videos.

Wilco – Wilco(The Album)

Jeff Tweedy’s songs.  Nels Cline’s guitar.  The other guys’ general greatness.  ‘Nuff said.  Wilco are one of the greatest bands around.  Wilco will love you, baby.  They will love you long time.

Concert Review: Colin Moore/Revolvers/Cavaliers! Dec. 10, Lee’s Palace

Posted on December 12, 2009 by Paul in Concerts, Everything | Leave a comment

So, to begin with … there’s a burrito place in the front section pf Lee’s Palace now.  I’d heard it was coming, but it’s pretty weird to see it there nonetheless.  Still, I’m sure I’ll probably hit it up after a show there one of these nights.

Also, I am a fool with poor time management skills and so I showed up after Colin Moore had already started his set.  Regardless, what I did see was pretty good.  Moore has a good rootsy sound, slightly punk influenced singer/songwriter tunes carried by his raspy vocals.  The highlight of his set was the songs “Friends of Mine,” which of course reminded me of my friends, even though it would have been written about Colin Moore’s friends or perhaps some generic friends who only exist in the world of the song.  Who knows?

Revolvers were up next.  They had a definite ’60s influence … or perhaps to be more precise, they sounded more influenced by the bands from the ’80s and ’90s who were influenced by the ’60s.  They reminded me at times of Spiritualized or Spacemen 3.  In fact, the singer/guitarist even looked a bit like Jason Pierce.  Also, the drummer sang lead on several songs and any band with a singing drummer is ok by me.

It was at this point that I decided to head over to a nearby convenience store and wander the aisles instead of standing around by myself in the venue.  I perused the canned goods section in the back, a necessity of any decent convenience store.  I’m really not sure that anyone’ll be buying a can of Vienna sausages for $1.99, but who knows?  Maybe when 2012 hits, people will be lining up at their door willing to pay that and more.  And maybe they’ll pick up a bottle of real maple syrup for only $14.99 while they’re at it.  Mmmm … maple syrup.

I headed back inside to catch Cavaliers, who I enjoyed quite a bit.  They’ve got a kind of poppy, folky, alt countryish sound full of sweet,sweet harmonies and the occasional guitar solo.  Actually, quite a few guitar solos, ranging from some spot on Neil Young-isms to some not quite there yet Nels Cline approximations.  They did a cover of Ryan Adams “Blue Roses” which fit in nicely with their own tunes.  Near the end of the set, Colin Moore jumped on stage to briefly play harmonica during their last tune, then left the stage just as quickly as he appeared.  They put on a pretty solid show.  I would check them out again.

Concert Review: the xx, Friendly Fires, Phoenix, December 2

Posted on December 3, 2009 by Allison in Concerts, Everything | 3 Comments

xx

While we were at The XX / Friendly Fires show last night I found myself pondering this question the entire time the xx were on stage: What the hell was I doing when I was 20 years old? If memory serves correctly, I would’ve been getting blitzed every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, and trying not to fail my Greek and Roman Classics 101 course. I also went to a lot of formal dances with my boyfriend at RMC, but lord knows I wasn’t penning albums of the year or putting out the most wicked basslines heard since David Lynch scored Wild at Heart.

OK…to be fair here…If you were to ask me if the xx put on an energetic show last night the answer would be a resounding NO. The trio looked as if they’d been visited by some energy-sapping vampires the night before and the drama of having a member drop out due to exhaustion might make that theory more fact than fiction. I’d say the only limbs that moved onstage was during their last song…sort of an extended ‘Infinity’ when vocalist/bassist Jamie Smith started banging the bejesus out of a pair of cymbals to end off on. Romy Croft wins the mannequin-performer prize for moving only her fingers while strumming the guitar, though. You might think this was a shitty disappointment for us seeing as their debut album is near the top of our picks for 2009 but there was one thing that redeemed them…the music. This is an amazing album with some amazing guitar / bass work and it is something else to hear something of this caliber, live. The vocals were right on save for some wavering from Romy during Shelter. But shit, they’re 20! This is their first North American tour and comparing them to someone like say, Passion Pit, they at least delivered the goods of sounding on key even if they completely lacked showmanship.

Showmanship is what the Friendly Fires are for anyway. If there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that these guys are consistently entertaining, and that lead singer Ed MacFarlane’s hips are consistently limber. I thought the vocals were a little off because of his gyrating jimmy arm-movements but his enthusiasm sure as hell was infectious. Their handsome bearded guitarist also got into the act, jumping on a speaker trying to drum up clapping and such..and you know what? It worked. It always does. You can’t go to see these guys and NOT holler. They also went through the effort of mixing up their live act with some saxophone accompaniment..when they were at Lee’s Palace in the spring it was more of a conga-ish feeling. Also, they played Kiss of Life, which what Ricky was waiting for.

Since these guys have about an album a piece I’m not going to bother going through their setlists (but post them here if you have them). One thing I would like to say though, is that if you’re going to pay to go to a show and bother to stand close to the stage…STOP FUCKING TALKING. For the love of god, stand near the back if all you want to do is dis the opener. No one wants to hear it and at risk of sounding like a school marm, it’s just plain disrespectful.

That is all.

« Previous   1 2 ... 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 ... 153 154   Next »