Toronto – I’ve long been a fan of conspiracy theories, both the plausible ones and the totally whacked out ones, in fact the more whacked out ones are the best. With the spread of the internet as a means of disseminating information, these theories have grown in popularity. With that in mind, I’d like to go over some of the ones that made the most headlines (or didn’t make the headlines, ‘cause y’know … “they” control what we see … and by “they,” I mean the evil lizard visitors from that TV show V) So pop in the new Muse album or the new Megadeth, shut your blinds, put your tinfoil hat on and enjoy.
1. Those crazy-ass lights over Norway
So somebody took a picture of these crazy spiral lights that appeared over Norway. They’re kind of pretty actually, but nobody has a clue what the hell they are. Some theories: obviously aliens are the easiest answer, followed by the Russians (seriously, somebody blamed it on Russians testing … something, weapons or whatever. Look it up). Next there is the possibility that it was the time tunnel or perhaps some other kind of weird science experiment , but the best theory is this – maybe the best thing I’ve read in a long time, probably because it incorporates theories from awesome TV shows like Fringe and V and Flashforward.
2. The H1N1 vaccine is gonna kill you!
Ok, so here’s the basic premise of this theory: the evil overlords in charge of all stuff everywhere think there are too many of us. Therefore they want to wipe us out but in a way that’s not so noticeable as to be seen as a crazy massacre. ‘Cause we’d kind of notice that happening. Hence the vaccines. And if it doesn’t kill you, it’s at the very least gonna make you walk backwards or something.
3. Obama is actually evil … and he’s gonna kill you!
The basic premise here is that Barack Obama’s just a puppet for our evil overlords (ie. he’s actually Gaius Baltar) and that everything he does is done for the explicit purpose of destroying America. Oh, and he wasn’t born in the U.S. And his name’s not actually Obama. My take on it: Obama’s probably not actually evil … but he’s still a politician and therefore probably shouldn’t totally be trusted. Actually, nobody should be trusted. Not even me. Not even your mom. Not even you!
4. Climate Change is Hooey
OK, so this one’s not really new at all, but has gained a lot of prominence with the whole Copenhagen thing going on plus Climategate. Basically, climate change deniers will tell you that global warming stopped years ago and that the world’s actually cooling a bit (I imagine that’s why the people in the know changed the name to climate change – it encapsulates both warming and cooling) This is of special interest to Canadians since our Prime Minister has come out of Copenhagen as the rebel bad boy who’s not really doing all that he can to deal with climate change (or anything at all really). Is Harper a closeted climate change denier? Or is he just in the back pocket of oil companies? And what does the sinister Daniel Plainview have to do with all of this? Stay tuned for the answer, faithful readers … and for goodness sake, keep an eye on your milkshakes.
5. Balloon Boy’s dad is actually right
We all heard the story of balloon boy Falcon Heene. We all know it was a hoax perpetrated by his crazy, fame hungry, conspiracy happy dad, Richard. What you may not have heard if you weren’t paying that much attention (and kudos to you if you weren’t, you obviously have some semblance of a life, unlike me) is that Richard Heene believes in the idea that our evil overlords are actually part of a secret cabal of evil lizard people secretly posing as posh humans in order to keep us under control. Again, this is not a new theory, but Heene brought it up again. This theory was first revealed by former British footballer David Icke, who postulated that important people such as Queen Elizabeth, George Bush, Hillary Clinton – and for some strange reason, Boxcar Willie – are all secret reptilians who are out to get us. This is why I can never fully get behind this theory. Boxcar Willie only brings the good times, he loves humanity. He would never want to enslave us. Seriously, watch this video and try and tell me that Willie wishes us any harm. You can’t. Because he’s Boxcar Willie. And he’s awesome.
6. Tiger Woods Y’all
Tiger and about 15 other women were able to keep his wife (and perhaps each other) in the dark about his various affairs. If that’s not the textbook definition of conspiracy, I don’t know what is. Tigergate, people. Tigergate.
And of course, the true conspiracy buffs will tell you that Tigergate is just a distraction from the real story …
7. Soilent Green is real! It’s real!!!
I’ve decided to start this theory all by myself. Some scientists recently genetically engineered some freaky kind of pseudo-pork that’s sort of cloned from pig cells. So we get something that approximates meat that can be made without killing animals. It could be used to help feed the world and stuff and can also help reduce animal flatulence emissions, which are apparently bad for the environment. But here’s the thing – this “meat” sounds really gross. Like worse that Taco Bell gross (mmm … Taco Bell) Who’s to say what they’ll be putting in there. Maybe even people?
8. Adolf Hitler was secretly a lady!
At least that’s how I interpreted this article …
9. My apartment is totally haunted
Ok , this one is only relevant to me, but still, I’m pretty sure it’s true. Or maybe I just got freaked out after watching Paranormal Activity. Either way, I’m just about ready to get one of those EMF readers to scan the apartment with.
10. Archie Comics Is Owned By Mormons!
This is a total lie. Or maybe it’s not. Ok, yes … yes it is a lie. But think about it … one of the biggest entertainment news items of the past year was that Archie married Veronica. Then in a later story, he married Betty. Archie is a bigamist! And you know he’d be going after Midge too if Big Moose weren’t around to kick his ass. There you have it, Archie Comics may or may not endorse bigamy. You heard it here first.
Keep watching the skies …