Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies’ If I had a Million Dollars

1x1.trans Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies If I had a Million Dollars

Ottawa – Sometimes, you listen to something and wonder. I don’t know why but I queued up Barenaked Ladies’ If I had a Miillion Dollars this afternoon whilst working. As I listened to it, I started thinking. This song is about twenty years old, in a different economic age. Is it still realistic? Why did I think this? I don’t know. Maybe being in Ottawa this past week has put me into a more bureaucratic mindset. Let’s assume that the setting for this song is Toronto, since the band itself is from Toronto.

If I had a million dollars / (If I had a million dollars)

I’d buy you a house
The housing market is at a high these days, but still a million dollars is quite a lot of money. I am going to assume if you are going to tell someone you are buying them a house, you aren’t going to buy them some fix me up in some crappy neighborhood. So a few searches on MLS indicates that a decent sized house in a decent neighborhood will cost around 600k. (My mls search had A/C as a requisite)

1x1.trans Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies If I had a Million Dollars

Money left: 400k

Let’s say this house will probably need some papers done on it, and let’s face it..some minor renovations

Money left: 350k

I’d buy you furniture for your house (Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman)

You can’t have an empty house and you certainly aren’t going to IKEA to buy furniture after splashing down 600 thousand on your loved one.

I’ll just say that furniture for your house will most likely cost about 20,000. Including bed, bed frame, dressers, television, couches, outdoor furniture, chairs, desks, bbq’s, guest beds, cutlery, etc.

Money left: 330k

I’d buy you a K-Car (A nice Reliant automobile)

There’s no K car, but we’ll go with some random Chrysler sedan car for about 15K

Money left: 315k

If I had a million dollars I’d buy your love

Let’s say the Diamond Ring costs about 5k

Money left: 310k

I’d build a tree fort in our yard

This actually cost nothing

I’d buy you a fur coat

1x1.trans Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies If I had a Million Dollars

Let’s say this red fox coat costs around two grand

Money left: 308k

Well, I’d buy you an exotic pet, (Yep, like a llama or an emu)

A quick look on some random pet site suggests you can purchase a pair of Emus for about 500 dollars. Add in startup costs of building a fence and then an enclosure, and probably permits and we’ll have this mark as a 3000 dollar purchase.

Money left: 303k

Well, I’d buy you a green dress, (But not a real green dress, that’s cruel)

Money left: 302k

Well, I’d buy you some art,(A Picasso or a Garfunkel)

1x1.trans Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies If I had a Million Dollars

Original Picasso is expensive, this piece here is 65,000 dollars.

Money left: 237K

Well, I’d buy you a monkey, (Haven’t you always wanted a monkey)

According to Slate magazine:

Lemurs, tamarins, and marmosets run in the range of $1,500 to $2,500; rhesus macaques and baboons might cost $3,500; and spider monkeys tend to be around $6,000. Chimpanzees cost upward of $60,000, which is considerably more than you would pay even for a giraffe (around $45,000) and 20 or 30 times more than you’d lay out for a zebra or a lion cub.

You pretty much don’t want a chimp, since it can rip your face off quite easily, so let’s go for a pair of marmosets, who are rather cute.

1x1.trans Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies If I had a Million Dollars

Marmosets: 5k
Money left: 232k

A good sized Monkey cage + toys + permits will probably set you back a few thousand

Money left: 230k

That’s it! If you were to buy your love one a house, furniture, car, emu, monkey, fur coat and all of the other things, you would still have 230,000 left. Considering the yearly costs for the upkeep of all those things, you might not be rich after a year or two.

So if you have a million dollars and a fan of the Barenaked Ladies, be careful.

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Posted on by Ricky in Music

About Ricky

Britpop lovin Chinaman, consumer of all things irrelevant. Toronto Raptors fan.

14 Responses to Financial Analysis of Barenaked Ladies’ If I had a Million Dollars

  1. Paul

    Just thought I’d point out that in the song, it’s not a real fur coat. I’d imagine fake fur is considerably cheaper.

    Also, if we look at this song as a verbal contract of sorts, notice that The Barenaked Ladies have only promised “a nice chesterfield or an ottoman.” No other furniture is specified and one could interpret that as meaning the recipient of said house is responsible for buying the rest of the furniture on their own. This would cut down on the costs considerably.

  2. Ricky

    to buy a house and then JUST a chesterfield is pretty douchey.

  3. Damien

    What about expensive ketchups and pre-wrapped sausages?

  4. Paul

    That may be, but who’s gonna call you on it after you just bought them a house? Wouldn’t that be almost as douchey?

  5. Ricky

    i thought about pricing out a yearly supply of charcuterie plates, but I was quickly running out of steam writing this article.

  6. Tim

    Building a tree fort costs nothing, but the material costs money. Wood, nails, misc. tools, etc. C’mon man!

  7. Aisa

    You crack me up dudes1

  8. Ming Wu

    Great article.
    You were in Ottawa??

  9. Adrian

    Good effort, but no mention of the cost of buying John Merrick’s remains.

  10. Ricky

    i would like to think that john merrick’s remains are priceless

  11. Col

    all interesting stuff but what has happened to the $Canadian v £UK in those 20 years, does it still work over here in blighty? (We have something close to a K car called ‘Ka’, crap little thing for newly qualified girl drivers – £10-12k new);-)

  12. Laura Patricia

    Not to be pedantic, but what has been said above is correct. A treehouse would cost money, and the fur coat needs to be fake.

    Plus, you forgot that they’d also need to buy: John Mericks remains, a “little tiny fridge”, pre-wrapped meats, a limo (so they don’t have to walk to the store), lots of Kraft Dinner and expensive ketchups to go with it.

    So they wouldn’t have much to show for their $1000000 after all.

    But then, as a friend pointed out on Facebook, $1 million back then is actually worth (allowing for 2% inflation over 22 years) $1.722 million now. Doesn’t have quite the same ring to it though…

  13. Pingback: Tall People at Concerts: An analysis. - The Panic Manual | The Panic Manual

  14. Greg

    There is a K car. And it happens to be a Chrysler. Look up the “K-platform” from Chrysler. Also, he says “A most reliant automobile” because the Plymouth Reliant (made from 1981-1989), were made from the K-platform. This is also where the band Relient K got their name.

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