2017 Juno Nominees – A Deep Analysis and Predictions

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It’s February, you know what that means? It’s Juno time! Obviously no one ever thinks that but let’s just roll with it. On Monday or at some other point this week, the Grammy’s sadder cousin the Junos announced their nominees for their awards this year. Junos, as we all know is probably one of the five most important music awards you can get in Canada. Others being

- Polaris
– MMVAs?
– Prism Awards
– Panic Manual Lifetime Achievement Award

I’m not sure which award show is the most important, I think it changes every year depending on what food company is catering the awards show. I heard Junos might have struck a deal with Pizza Pizza* this year so you can tell the budget is high.

Anyways, the logo you see is the logo for the Junos which is appropriate since the nominees for the major award lacks diversity and also is so imbalance on the gender scale you think it was a tech company.

Still, the experts at the Panic Manual came together (no they did not) and took a look at the awards. The predicted winner is in italics.

Indigenous Music Album of the Year

Crystal Shawanda Fish Out Of Water
Bryden Gwiss Kiwenzie Round Dance & Beats (Powwow)
Quantum Tangle Tiny Hands
Silla + Rise Debut
William Prince Earthly Days
A Tribe Called Red – We Are the Halluci Nation

In the shock of the Junos, A Tribe Called Red will win this award by making a surprise appearance WWF style with JR commentating. Seriously, why is there even a category for a specific group of people making music? Where is my Chinaman music of album of the year category?

JUNO Fan Choice Award

Hedley
Justin Bieber
Drake
Shawn Mendes
Alessia Cara
Belly
Ruth B
The Weeknd
Tory Lanez
The Strumbellas

C’mon, the kids will always vote for the Biebs.

Single of the Year

Shawn Mendes “Treat You Better”
Drake “One Dance ft. Wizkid & Kyla”
Alessia Cara “Wild Things”
The Weeknd “Starboy “ft. Daft Punk
The Strumbellas “Spirits”

You know, if Daft Punk showed up to the Junos, it would be the only thing people talk about.

International Album of the Year

Sia – This is Acting
Rihanna – ANTI
One – Direction Made in the A.M.
Coldplay – A Head Full of Dreams
Ariana Grande – Dangerous Woman

Now we know which record labels won the silent auctions

Album of the Year

The Weeknd Starboy
Shawn Mendes Illuminate
Leonard Cohen You Want It Darker
Drake Views
Céline Dion Encore un Soir

Raise your hand if you knew Celine Dion had an album this year. Most likely Drake takes it but Leonard Cohen would be a good sentimental choice. Tegan and Sara would have been my pick.

Group of the Year

Billy Talent
The Tragically Hip
Arkells
Tegan and Sara
The Strumbellas

I loved the Tegan and Sara album this year, but Tragically Hip would make for a wonderful #hashtag# moment and since Junos are desperate for ratings that might be the right play here.

Rock Album of the Year

Arkells Morning Report
Billy Talent Afraid of Heights
Monster Truck Sittin’ Heavy
Sam Roberts Band TerraForm
The Tragically Hip Man Machine Poem

What is rock and what is alternative? I saw Dilly Dally at SXSW this year and she was like drinking hard at 11 and sounded pretty rock to me. I’m pretty sure Sam Roberts would be drinking avocado smoothies at that time (not a bad thing). Anyways this has probably spawned about 4 think pieces (maybe 3 now that Chart Attack is no more) so I don’t really need to contribute more to the criticism but we all know the Canadian Music Industry is like the US Government – a white man’s game.

There’s a few more categories but you know, no one really cares. I don’t even know why I’m writing this.

The Junos are on CTV sometime in April, it’s probably hosted by Ben Mulroney and sponsored by Moores.

*Alternative Fact

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Posted on by Ricky in Everything

About Ricky

Britpop lovin Chinaman, consumer of all things irrelevant. Toronto Raptors fan.

One Response to 2017 Juno Nominees – A Deep Analysis and Predictions

  1. I live up there

    Polaris?

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