Panic Manual’s Fearless Predictions for 2013

Sharon van Etten, SXSW 2011, March 19, 2011 49.jpg

2013 is upon us. The Mayans were wrong, everything is out the window now.

Here are our fearless predictions for 2013.

Reeling with the success he achieved by reforming Nirvana, Paul McCartney decides to reform other bands with diseased members over the course of 2013 including Joy Division, The Grateful Dead and Amy Winehouse.

Things turn real when Simon Cowell casts Fiona Apple and Chan Marshall to replace Britney Spears and Demi Lovato on X Factor

With great success on the seas, Goldenvoice announces: Coachella: The Safari to great fanfare but turns into disaster when the entire festival is held for ransom by militant Kenyan rebels.

Pitchfork stays ahead of the curve by giving the new Arcade Fire + James Murphy collaboration a 9.0 before the group even records a track.

Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun openly complains when Bieber is not nominated for best actor for the Academy Awards for his role in his music videos, saying the Academy “blew it” and that Bieber put in a lot of “hard work” in the videos, which should have equated to a nomination.

Critics are mystified when My Bloody Valentine’s new album forgoes all the guitar effect wizardry in favor of a sitar.

A new trend for band names begins, in which bands just identify themselves as numbers, such as 49850, the upstart chill wave band from Brooklyn. This trend replaces the current trend where bands have band names without vowels (see: MNDR, TRST, SBTRKT)

In order to appeal to a more male demographic, Pink changes her name to Salmon

Lady Gaga dies in a horrific accident when she gets attacked and eaten alive by a flock of Eagles after taking the stage in the Philippines while wearing her meat costume. People are surprised that no one went to help her as this happened.

Carly Rae Jepsen wins the 2013 Polaris Music Prize, to which she replies “what’s that?”

It is uncovered that Beyonce and Solange have a totally awkward and uncool older sister named Brenda, thereby shattering the worldwide belief that the Knowles are the coolest people ever

Frank Ocean’s ability to push the limits is severely tested as he releases an album about bestiality

Twitter explodes when the Postal Service play a secret set at SXSW in celebration of the ten year anniversary of Give Up. I am there, people get jealous.

Sharon Van Etten will come on stage during Nick Cave’s concert in Toronto, and they will sing Where The Wild Roses Grow together, making me very happy.

Happy New Year

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Posted on by Ricky in Rickys Random Articles

About Ricky

Britpop lovin Chinaman, consumer of all things irrelevant. Toronto Raptors fan.

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