Toronto - The following is a review of Swan Lake on Ice. My friend scored media passes to the opener. I felt the need to write a review to earn my keep. This show is a highly-polished performance of dance skating by The Imperial Ice Stars, a troupe that includes 25 World and national championship skaters. The setting is a 16 m X 16 m ice rink that is maintained by over 17 km of pipes. This rink, in combination with a dazzling array of skilled artists, provides a dazzling array of skating, ballet, and crossbows.

The action starts somewhere in Russia, with a couple guys and a couple servants skating around in some Russian palace. Then more guys and girls join. I’d say the ratio is pretty good at this point, but there are clearly more guys than girls involved. I’m pretty sure the world of figure skating is largely female-dominated. So I’d imagine that Swans on Ice had to deplete the world supply of male figure-skaters, including the cast of Stars on Ice, to fill their roster. That’s impressive. Anyway, all I’m saying is if the rink was a house party, I’d probably stick around, but only barely, and just for maybe one more drink.

After a few acts, the two main characters decide to pull out some crossbows. Now things get interesting. At least for a moment or two, before they put away their crossbows. Why bring out crossbows in the middle of a dance-skating show just to put them away again? But then, then they bring out the crossbows again! Hurray! There are like 10 guys dance skating in a circle; the blades of their skates glinting in the spotlight as they gyrate and twirl their legs through the air. This crowd of merry-making hand-holding comrades is being carefully surveyed at the perimeter by our two protagonists, while they finger their crossbows and look on. But they never take the shot. I couldn’t believe they wouldn’t take the shot. Think about it.

The first period ends with our antagonist Rothbart strutting his stuff. An admittedly fantastic skater, Rothbart looks like an athletic Russian Seth Green. He jumps dives, and lays down some serious ice breakbeats before being surrounded by a ring of fire, symbolizing a tribute to Johnny Cash, who also loved dance skating. One of the downsides to this dramatic ring of fire that encircles Seth at the end of the first period is that ice hates fire. The guy in charge of the ice rink was furious, but the skaters are well-armed. Touché.

The 2^nd period showcases more action, more skating, and more weapons; this time swords. The sword scene would have been way better if not for the fact that on two separate occasions a sword is thrown to our protagonist the prince to catch. In both cases, the prince catches the sword by the blade! This leads me to believe that the prince’s sword is pretty freakin’ dull and not a real sword at all. If it was a real sword, he would have caught it by the hilt, not the blade. The illusion is broken, and now I’m a little sad.

Anyway, in the middle of the 2^nd period, a climactic moment is reached when the swan lady bursts forth from centre stage and throws a bunch of feathers at the crowd. This is a very powerful gesture. It symbolizes her metamorphosis from a human into a swan. Or the other way around, I’m not sure. The point is, she’s becoming a swan, or a non-swan, and she wants you to know about it. Respect.

Swan Lake on Ice is playing at the Sony Centre for the Performing Arts from April 30^th till May 4^th and re-creates the beauty and majesty of Tchaikovsky’s piece of the same name. I give this show 3.5 out of 5 crossbows.

Editors note: Mark is the newest member of the Panic Manual, he’ll probably post about random stuff periodically. Mostly stuff no one else on this blog talks about