Pie Review - The Big Crapple

28 Nov

big crapple

If you have driven between Toronto and Kingston along the 401 then you have likely passed and taken notice of a big, round, red building known as The Big Apple.

I went to this ‘Big Apple’ last weekend to get some pie. My girlfriend, Karen, came along to hit the petting zoo.

Here is what we learned:

Lesson #1 – Pies = High Security
The Big Apple is efficient and sterile…not two things I associate with apple pie. The first thing that turned me off was the turnstiles that directed you into the pie purchasing area…you know…the ones they have at Canadian Tire that prevent you from running in, grabbing a hammer and running out again. As I went through I swear I heard Mr. Apple Head whisper “Don’t even think of stealing any of our pies, cus’ we got these here metal clicky things that let you come in, but won’t let ya out, ya’hear”.

Lesson #2: No Eating Pies At The Big Apple
Price of a pie, $10. Price of a slice of pie, $3.50. They are making a killing on slices of pies. My idea to purchase a whole pie, then sit down and share it with all of my pie loving friends right was quickly smashed. Why? No pies allowed in the restaurant. How do they enforce this rule? They keep tight control on plastic forks. No eating utensils unless you buy a slice of pie. Behind the cashier is a big box of plastic forks and spoons. You buy a slice of pie, you get a fork. You buy a pie, no fork (even if you ask!!) Mother #@%*ers.

Lesson #3 – ‘Petting Zoo’ Is A Relative Term
Karen: So where is the petting zoo?
Cashier: Outside, beside the parking lot.
Karen: Is it near the two caged up Llamas?
Cashier: No, that is the petting zoo.
Karen: [confused] That’s it? But they are behind a fence.
Cashier: Well, if they come close to the fence, you can reach in and touch them.
Karen: I think the whole petting zoo thing is false advertising.
Cashier: No, it’s called tourism.